I was never going to have kids. I even told my husband that when we got engaged. I was certain that it was not what I wanted in life. I was wrong.
At thirty-four I had a son. In six years I had three more kids. They changed me forever and made my life better. It was not easy. I spent a total of eight years either pregnant or breastfeeding. There were a lot of dirty diapers involved and I was always tired. But I did relearn how to make mud pies and build lego houses. I relished pillow forts and blanket tents with tea parties for the stuffed animals on rainy days and trips to the zoo on sunny ones.
I learned as much from those kids as I ever did in a college classroom. I learned to see life through their eyes. To notice the wonder of wet footprints on the concrete, to see a new moon rising in the west just after sunset, to taste a freshly picked peach and let the juice run all down your arm.
I know I would not be who I am today if I had not been a mother. I am trying to figure out my next path. I now need to birth myself again. As I evolve and grow I must seek out new ways of seeing.
I am feeling compelled to be creative again. I cannot have another life inside me anymore, all those parts are timed out. Yet I can have the same exhilaration from making art or writing a poem or a piece of prose. The time I have is not running out, it just needs to be used wisely.
I have struggled with depression and bipolar disorder and I have finally come to grips with it. It is part of who I am. I can use the talents I have to try and heal myself. If I can listen to my body and treat it right, I should be okay. If I take care of myself I can live to be 102, since I come from a long line of stubborn and resilient women.
I can speak out for others that suffer and show them a better way. I can be a rabble rouser and speak out for those that will not or cannot speak for themselves. By doing so, the world can be made better. I feel like a chick pecking its way out of a shell, maybe it is just Easter coming on, but I think there is something good about to happen!